Polyamory Journal

Again the caveat is that I am pretty new to all of this and it is just my interpretation and blending of ideas. It might not speak to you. I might change my perspective in a year or two but these are my current thoughts on the subject. 

As a bit of a geek I roll in some circles of deeply scientific, logical, scientists and science enthusiasts. I love our conversations so much when they drift into the realm of theoretical physics. A lot of it goes right over my head for the actual numbers and theories but when we dive right to the core of it I feel it is the same as shamanism. 

Let’s look at unified field theory for example. Einstein sought a theory that would reconcile the two different theories in physics that correspond to, on one hand the microcosm and the other the macrocosm. It is believed that if a thing can be found that unifies these two then it will be like “seeing the mind of god.” 

This is something I adore in the physicists I know. They straddle the line between science and philosophy beautifully, approaching their work as a way to understand the deep workings of the universe and nature. This is almost the same as shamanism. 

I also love that some of the biggest discoveries have come about through a sense of play like I discussed before. Remember the one about boxes? Man I wish, I was in a box now. I could be in the belly of a space whale traveling the space seas. Focus, Dane. Like for example Andre Geim and Konstantin Novoselov won the nobel prize in physics for playing with pencil lead and sellotape, Wilson and Penzias discovered evidence of the big bang because of noise between galaxies that they heard and tried to figure out what it could be rather than just disregarding it because it wasn’t what they were looking for. Einstein said, “a person who never made a mistake never tried anything new.”

Inquisitive playfulness is essential to the major steps that humans have made ever since we left the trees of Africa to colonize the world. 

So I like these ideas of shamanism you are going on about, but i don’t want a physics degree, are they really the same thing? Don’t you fret they are indeed separate things, but wouldn’t a physics degree be fun? One of the key differences is in where the experimenter sits. Physics is a modern science and as such is based on observation with the experimenter sat outside of the experiment lest they impact the results, whilst in Shamanism you place yourself within the center of the experiment. The feedback from the universe comes into you and it is through this mind/body/spirit reception that understanding comes into being. 

To bring this back to the topic of polyamory I largely have two points that my ever bouncing brain wants to attempt to land on. 

1. Everything is connected. Physics and shamanism look fundamentally at how energy interacts and changes. This means that everything is the cause of something else and each thing has been caused by what came before it. You, me, them (Representatives of Illinois’ law enforcement community), boxes (I can’t help it they are great (I mean seriously great)), trees, animals, rocks, everything.
2. Treat our relationships as a great way to “experiment” with how we relate to the universe. They are perfect windows of expression and reception where we make ourselves vulnerable and open to someone else, and by extension the very fabric of the universe. 

Stay lovely and loving.

Again the caveat is that I am pretty new to all of this and it is just my interpretation and blending of ideas. It might not speak to you. I might change my perspective in a year or two but these are my current thoughts on the subject. 

So I have to amend my standard caveat. Yin and Yang is something that I do have experience with, having in my youth studied Chinese Medicine. This will likely be slightly less shamanism based and more esoteric, but I always said my spirituality was a blend of shamanism, Daoism and Buddhism. 

Insert standard rant here. Language is very difficult here and the term Yin and Yang comes with a massive amount of cultural baggage. It is wonderful that it is a term so widely known as it is a beautiful idea, but that means certain ideas and (worse) beliefs have been hung on these words. It makes it very difficult to talk about this with understanding the correct context. For example two very different standpoints could be taken, a Daoist view, where yin and yang are about two different ways of viewing the same thing, or a Confucian view which might pertain more to the correct structure of society and order. 

Then from one of these starting points we have to heap on the cultural baggage of at least 2000 years plus everyone’s own personal interpretation built from their knowledge and experience. Then there is the problem that the English language hasn’t evolved to support talking about abstract esoteric ideas, quite the opposite in fact, but that is a rant for another day.

So you have read this far and I haven’t really said anything beyond the fact that it is difficult to say anything. Well done for sticking with me this far. Now I have to try and get us on the same page (my page as I am writing from my cultural and experiential baggage) so that we can observe this from a similar place. 

My ideas of Yin and Yang. Looking at the symbols we can see that they are linked by hill or mound. One is the shady side and one is the sunny side. Therefore we have two different ways of viewing something. This is important to this article and I will circle back to it later.

They are also not a static thing but a process of change always moving from one to the other and always containing an element of the other within it. I think in Western culture this is often how it is perceived but I feel there is something missing from it that when we see the most Yin we only see that and not the fact that this has the most potential for yang. Let me try and help this make sense. Winter is considered Yin and Yang is considered summer. This makes sense to us and is often left there. These things are put in their proper Yin/Yang boxes and labeled properly. Please see article 4 for a more expansive guide to my view on boxes. Winter is where seed lie dormant under the soil, all that energy and potential waiting for the spring to be released. They contain all the potential Yang. Therefore the most Yin is also right on the tipping point of transforming and moving towards the most Yang. I hope this made sense, the words are hard to order.

There is also the concept that they are not separated at all but are just two expressions of the Dao. The oneness that is beyond words and description. This splitting of it into two things allows description and understanding but is ultimately an illusion and not truth. 

So hopefully I have given you some context to my understanding and the position where I stand. Whether you agree with me or not I am hopeful that you can come and stand next to me so we can observe from the same place. 

How do I want to relate these ideas to polyamory. 

The object I wish for us to observe is a relationship. Come stand here. We look at it. We have our understanding from here where we are of what it is. 

Look over there. That person is monogamous. They are staring at the same thing but their view is different from ours. The thing we are viewing though is still a relationship. It’s just how we perceive it that changes and this informs how we react to it. Despite all my knocking of monogamy I don’t inherently have a problem if people truly think about it and choose it. Since opening up I have had a lot of conversations with friends who have stated that they couldn’t do it, but then when asked why they don’t really have an answer. A few have gone away and reflected on it and themselves, and whether it is some old trauma or how they view the relationship (waves at the person on the other side of the hill) then I totally respect their view and will hold it sacred and safe for them.

Look over the other way. Yeah I know, weird right. That person isn’t even looking at what we are. They literally have their back to the relationship and won’t engage in any discussion about it. This is how I feel a lot of people are. If we try to open up to them we are met with hostility and judgment. I am not trying to say I have an answer for this, just that I am trying to understand how they can be so happy not understanding themselves or how they relate to and impact the world.   

There is a lot more that can be said on this but before I dive in any further I want to reflect on it some more and see what feedback I get from this. I might be totally wrong.

Stay lovely and loving.

Again the caveat is that I am pretty new to all of this and it is just my interpretation and blending of ideas. It might not speak to you. I might change my perspective in a year or two but these are my current thoughts on the subject. 

Another aspect of Chalicity is an idea of playfulness. To approach the world with an open and joyful attitude playfulness is easy and simple. This is not a concept unique to shamanism as Buddhism and Daoism often treat this ideal highly as well. I think it exists strongly in a lot of esoteric religions (remember shamanism isn’t a religion, you don’t have to believe anything).

This ability to approach the world seems simple and young children do it all the time. “Why are they playing with the box more than the toy?” Well the toy is obvious what it is, but the box can be anything!! It’s a blank canvas that doesn’t tell you how to have fun. It is just there and you can make it anything you want with your playful attitude. 

This attitude gets socialised out of us slowly but surely. Though it still exists and we sometimes let it out. Usually when we find a particularly good box or an imaginative child to guide us (so much can be learned from children sometimes).

From my current understanding of it a lot of the problem with being free to play comes from judgement and labelling. We absolutely love to label things and put them in their place in our brain they “belong.” Let’s stick with boxes as they are awesome and all I want right now is to find a box and play. Boxes are this blank canvas I mentioned before, but we get socialised into the attitude that boxes contain things, either stuff comes in them, or we put stuff in them to store or worse we take stuff out of it and then the box os just rubbish (one of the greatest most fun things invented, just rubbish once it’s function has been served).

Sorry for that moment of passionate speech.

So playfulness. Let’s try looking at the world with Chalicity, a lens of not judging and labelling the things we see and hear and touch and taste and smell. Let’s just allow the information in. Then play. 

“But how does this relate to polyamory?” I hear you cry. 

“We’ll take that beautiful helmet off your head, pop it on the ground and use it as a comfy seat (boxes are great).”

So I think, for me, in polyamory we already break down those social barriers that tell us how to have a relationship. We say but what if we could do it this way. Essentially we begin to play. This is why there are as many types of polyamory as there are polyamorists, we are all playing in our own special and unique way. We are exploring and discovering ourselves, our partners, our relationships and the world around us. 

Sometimes we might go back into our mind and try and label and judge ourselves and our relationships. Let’s try and remain free though and play and have fun. This is not an easy task and I like everyone else will need reminding of it, but it is something I am trying to practice more and more. 

Stay lovely and loving.

Again the caveat is that I am pretty new to all of this and it is just my interpretation and blending of ideas. It might not speak to you. I might change my perspective in a year or two but these are my current thoughts on the subject. 

So one of the key elements, as I understand it at the moment, about Chalicity is that you have to be open and receptive to incoming information but non judgemental as well. I think this is so important for everything in life. 

When information comes in we are so used to rapidly assessing it and shoving it in a box. For instance I see a seagull and it instantly goes into the bird, eats my childrens ice cream box. I can say it is grey, it is probably a young gull. I know it has webbed feet. I have seen gulls imitation rain by stamping on the ground to get worms to the surface. A myriad of other labels I can attach and throw into this sea gull box. 

But what if I saw more. What if all that happened is a saw a hill gliding over the sea, I can register it’s reflection, I can see the shape of the waves, out of the corner of my eye. I can see the edge of the coast line, above me clouds are drifting by, I can smell the sea and food being cooked, I can hear the waves and children laughing, I can feel my clothes on my body and the wind on my skin, I can know the rhythm of my heart beat and breathing. 

If I focus on and label the sea gull then I would miss all this other information and my life would be less rich for it. 

I am no expert on Chalicity as I said but the more I learn from practicing getting into a state of Chalicity the more I want to try and maintain it in all aspects of my life.

So how does this relate to polyamory? Well most people do not wander around in a state of Chalicity. People are focusing on things and labelling and judging them. As polyamory sits outside the “norm” it is subject to often negative judgment and labelling by members of society. 

I think this aspect of Chalicity, to me anyway, is also like the love that I am trying to achieve with polyamory. An unlimited love for all and everything without borders or limits, a box. Without labels and attachment, judgement. By breaking down the boundaries of what “defines” a relationship we are able to look at each relationship for the unique and wonderful experience it is. I am not aging this isn’t possible in Monogamy as each experience is totally unique to each individual involved, but I do think it is easier in a position where one has already begun to break down norms, both of which polyamory and shamanism do. 

Sorry this is more of a short ramble than anything concrete to hang anything off. 

Stay lovely and loving.

Again these are just my rambling thoughts and this one more than any will be my experience. Awakening might be a grandiose and possibly austentaious title but this is really how it felt for me. A moment where my world view shifted. 

I can to polyamory through my spirituality. When I realised that I was full of love and this might mean physical intimacy with others. I did not know the word polyamory, but understood what it meant to me with mind/body/spirit. 

For as long as I can remember I have been searching for my spirituality something that spoke to me. Christianity definitely wasn’t it, there seemed too much conflict and belief. Buddhism, came closer but again it demanded a level of belief, the same was true of Daoism as well. With these two I would pick the elements that rang true with me and discarded the rest. Which I have come to appreciate are the areas that make it a religion and require belief. 

Through a martial arts podcast I stumbled across the shamanistic podcast “the woven energy.” This tied all my ideas of spirituality together in a beautiful way. I didn’t need to believe anything, I can just exist and be aware of everything around me and how I am with it, and how to be actively involved in understanding my place in the universe. 

The place I feel my chalicity come the most easily is when I am wild swimming. There in the cold water my mind is quieted and my body and spirit become much clearer. Probably as my mind doesn’t have the chance to get too involved while I am working on not drowning and breathing and keeping warm and the beauty of the surroundings and the weightlessness of being in the water. I like wild swimming. 

During one such swim in a state of chalicity it was like all my boundaries were blown away. As if I had been living in a box and suddenly the walls, floor, and roof vanished and I could see and feel a vast expanse all around me. I realised that I had a love for so much around me. 

It was so obvious that I could love people as well as love my wife. It was so obvious. How could I have not known it before? My love for her was just that, and my love for others was also just that. I did not immediately talk to her about it though as I was unsure of how it might make her feel, especially when I didn’t have the words to adequately express myself. 

I did a few weeks of thinking and reflecting. Possibly for the better o didn’t do any research, I carried on moving forward blindly and intuitively letting Nature be my guide. I followed the steps that felt right and moved away from what felt wrong. 

For instance I knew that this was not about sex. Much to my sadness at myself I have once cheated on my wife. It was a drunken stupid mistake that I regret deeply. It did teach me though that sex is not important and attainable but not worth anything without real emotional connection. This for me was about feeling a spark of connection with anything and everything. With some people that spark would also potentially contain mutual physical attraction, be it cuddling watching a film, sharing a kiss at sunset or possible sex. 

I wanted the opportunity to explore these feelings. Now it felt like if I didn’t at least talk about it then I would not be living my truth. Which just seemed like the worst thing. 

Let’s look at the butterfly alagory from the book of Chuang Tzu which is very well known however often misunderstood in our culture. I imagine you all know it Chuang Tzu, dreams he is a butterfly and then he wakes up. In our culture there is then the question is he man dreaming he is a butterfly or a butterfly dreaming he is a man?

This question doesn’t even enter the mind of a Daoist. He is in face three separate things at three separate times. When he is a butterfly he is a butterfly. When he is a man he is a man and when he is a scholar writing his book, he is a scholar writing his book. Three separate things that in their own time are all true.

I was like this. Before I was ignorant of these thoughts and feelings I was a monogamous hidden bisexual man. Then I was a polyamorous bisexual man, which is where I am still at. Despite not having the language still to express this change, this was what I was and still currently am.

Now that some understanding of self was achieved the next step was learning how to express this to others, starting with the person this would impact the most, my wife. Our miasma is very heavily biased towards monogamy for multiple reasons that are beyond the scope of this part too discuss, needless to say I didn’t look forward to this task.

However, this fear was a fear of how my wife would react. Something that is beyond my control. No one can control how someone else will react. This fear was just an imagination created by the mind. The mind and the strength that we give it in our culture though allows it to bleed over into the realm of body and spirit. I felt butterflies in my stomach, and didn’t seem to have the ability to move forwards the way that my spirit wanted. 

Enter another wild swim. Chalicity at the fore. Mind quieted to a more natural state, body and spirit able to become master of themselves once more. With this the fear was lessened, I am not going to pretend that there wasn’t any as that would be nothing but a lie. 

I shared my new self with my wife, like I had done countless times before, and like the countless times before she listened to my new truth. She heard me which it turns out was the main thing I needed. She didn’t make me feel bad or less or like a monster or anything like that. She heard me and accepted my new truth and took time to process how this would impact her truth. 

I am very aware that I have a very special partner in her. That I am so privileged to have such a space and such an amazing best friend. She constantly blows me away with her compassion and empathy. I am very lucky. 

Without Shamanism I would not have had this experience of awakening let alone the courage to talk to my wife about this shift in self and how I relate to the world.